Seasons & episodes

Kelly Smith, who is brilliant and will probably be the next Queen of England, appears tonight in all her shimmering glory. She will be talking about Women's Football which is absolutely excellent entertainment.

Heston Blumenthal has been described as a "culinary alchemist". This is a rather grand way of saying he makes porridge from snails. Kelly Brook is the latest celebrity to put her name to a perfume, sadly, the name 'Smelly Brook' was discarded pretty early on. Actress, Cate Blanchett and 'famous for being married to Rod Stewart' Penny Lancaster also appear. Duran Duran - who will perform their new song, will probably be wearing more make-up than Kelly, Cate and Penny - specifically Nick Rhodes.

Gordon Ramsay has more Michelin stars than any other chef, most of which have to be used to censor the swear words he uses. ****, for example.

Proud Welshman Sir Anthony Hopkins - who is now an American citizen - makes his first appearance on the show. Jimmy Carr, who just seems to be very proud of himself in general, makes what seems to be his 400th appearance.

Daniel Craig – the blond Bond; Russell Brand – the pseudo-Dickensian Cockney urchin and Jack Dee – the grumpy one who is second only to Ricky Gervais in appearances on the show.

"Fighting in the Dojo, Miso Miso Oriental Prince in the land of soup". Fans of the Boosh will understand that, other people might just be greatly disturbed. Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, a man who has cooked pretty much everything on television from Cephalopoda to placenta makes a welcome début appearance on the show. The music comes from Kate Nash with her mockney stylings and 'cor blimey Mary Poppins, ain't it foggy in Larndon'?

Quite a line-up this week: Actress Renée Zellweger who made big knickers the talk of England; Jerry Seinfeld who made some people on TV.com unhappy (see the Soup Nazi debates in the forums) and Jeremy Clarkson who makes many people unhappy all over England - particularly Wales, the United States and Bill Oddie.

Never have so many people I have never heard of appeared in the same episode. Will Smith should save the day and Kerry Katona could make it a very long day if she is 'tired and emotional'. Music from Editors, which some viewers might find entertaining.

No episode summary available yet.

No episode summary available yet.

New Series. Yes, a new series just twenty days after the last one ended, the BBC is getting its moneys worth out of Jonathan. In return, he provides a guest straight from the top of the A List - Tom Hanks. Chris Rock, who some people might find funny, whilst others will just regard him as loud, American and not funny. Music from Reverend & The Makers.

He is a living legend; a man who was a part of the greatest model railway based children's programme of all time. He provided the voices for the fab four: Thomas, Henry Gordon and the Fat Controller � Mr. Ringo Starr. He was also in The Beatles. Also appearing on this week's show, Sir David Attenborough; friend of the Rwandan gorilla, pal of the bat and generally on nodding terms with fish.

Big, butch funny bloke Alan Carr returns to the Ross sofa. Alan wears glasses... and shoes... and has the requisite number of ears for a standard human. Yes, you've guessed it - I don't know anything about the other guests.

The Cast of Mistresses join Jonathan for an innuendo-laden smut fest; Britt Ekland takes part in a 'I was married to Peter Sellers and danced naked in The Wicker Man' jamboree and Morrissey provides the music - no smut and no dancing naked. Phew.

First it was Life on Mars, now it's Ashes to Ashes. TV cop Gene Hunt, (Philip Glenister) returns to the screen as the Manc detective who likes 'oops. Maybe the next series will be called 'The Laughing Gnome' and will be set in the seedy underworld of Legoland. Starring Tom Cruise.

First Blood, Rambo, Tango and Cash. Just three of the films for which Sylvester Stallone was not nominated for an Oscar. Also appearing: Nicholas Hoult from Skins and Katherine Jenkins from Wales. Music from Guillemots.

Nice to see him, to see him... Brucie returns to the show, on what will be his 80th birthday. Also on this week's programme: Forest Whitaker, who won an Oscar for his portrayal of Ugandan despot Idi Amin and model Agyness Deyn, who, and let's be honest about this, is just some model. Music from Elbow.

No episode summary available yet.

Michelle Ryan managed to star in several episodes of the Bionic Woman before it was axed. Who knows; maybe The Bill has the technology to rebuild her (career), as it has done for so many other former soap stars. Music comes from the Temptations, star-spangled blondness comes from Goldie Hawn and something French for the ladies comes from Jean-Christophe Novelli.

Gunther Von Hagens is a German anatomist who likes to perform televised autopsies in front an audience. This could be the last appearance on television for either Twiggy, David Baddiel Siouxsie Soux or Jonathan. Forgo your late-night snack just in case.

Natasha Kaplinsky is one of those people who you either really, really like, or really, really loathe. Which camp are you in? This week's 'Hollywood royalty' is Donald Sutherland, while Trevor Eve is this week's 'Brummie royalty'. Music from the Kooks.

David Tennant and Catherine Tate, aka, the Doctor and his new companion; John Hurt, who has played the Elephant Man and Quentin Crisp on film, but is yet to play an unconvincing alien in Doctor Who, makes a return appearance. Music from Radiohead.

Mackenzie Crook's latest film is Three and Out, in which he plays a Tube driver on London's Underground. The title refers to the rule that if a driver witnesses three accidental deaths on the line, he is pensioned off with a large lump sum. It is understandable to think from the title, that the film is actually about the career of cricketer Andrew Strauss.

Aston Kutcher joins Jonathan to talk about a new film, or something. Russell Brand returns, possibly trying to break Ricky Gervais' number of appearances and Ronnie Corbett makes a return appearance to the show. A man described by the BBC as a "comedy giant". Music from new band, the Courteeners.