Seasons & episodes

Calvert comes out with his shiny new scooter; Dave asks Steph/Monty to tape "Jackass" for him; Paul discusses Hanukkah, then admits that he's in a drunken stupor; Dave claims that he's cold, so one of his assistants walks onstage to give him gloves to wear.

Dave tells 10 "It's so cold..." jokes; Dave, Rupert and others bid a fond farewell to Joe G. Pizza, which is moving to W. 56th Street next month; Dave mentions a "Cue Cards Awards Dinner" that is being held in a secret location tomorrow night.

Dave has a special new year's message for the kids (not to mention his biker buddies): "Ride straight." Also, Dave tells six more "It's so cold…" jokes during the monologue, and "Commissioner" Bill DeLace give New Year's safety tips.

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Dave mentions that Ed won a People's Choice Award for Best New Series. He says he's never won one "because the people don't like me." Alan Kalter brags about winning a similar award for "Alan Kalter's Campaign Round-Up," then taunts Dave by ripping his shirt off.

An old man resembling Calvert walks onstage after the monologue; 60's pop singer Jackie DeShannon sits in and croons some of her biggest hits; Dave shows (bogus) footage of President Clinton moving his belongings to FlashDancers; Alan Kalter makes several lewd comments about Secretary of Labor nominee Linda Chavez.

The old guy/Calvert surrogate from last night stares blankly at the camera; Dave asks Steph/Monty for dental tools; another "Day in the Life of Hillary Clinton" skit is abandoned, this time by Kenny Sheehan's indecent commentary.

Throughout the night, Giants placekicker Brad Deluiso kicks field goals. Also, Kim Cattrall claims Garry Shandling tried to set her up with Dave years ago, but Dave denies it.

Mailbag: Pat Farmer wears a skirt, while a hot dog vender (Michael Z. McIntee) sells Dave a hot dog with "I love you" spelled in mustard.

Dave shows a photo of a cake Dorothy made to commemorate the one-year anniversary of his quintuple-bypass; Dave asks Steph/Monty for some Miller® Lite inflatable chairs; after Barry White cancels at the last minute, Nancy Agostini shows highlights from yesterday's Giants-Vikings playoff game.

Dave starts off the show by discussing the launch of Oprah's new magazine, and then he shows a copy of Martha Stewart's rag, claiming that for a time Martha was penniless and living in hollow tree. Then he points out that now Rosie O'Donnell has a magazine. Exasperated, Dave says he's getting his own magazine "chock full of tips on how to live your life just like me!" and shows bogus Dave and Oprah magazines.

Dave complains that his chair is not as comfortable as he would like it to be, then hypothesizes that it's the lumbar adjustment that's causing the problems; during the latest "Last Time" segment, Alan pleads with Dave to retain the Top Ten list; Pat and Kenny create some awkward sexual tension.

Dave admits that he's addicted to carbohydrates; NYC Chief of Police Bill DeLace gives snow survival tips; Dave shows two clips of George W. Bush pronouncing big words.

On the eve of President Bush's inauguration, Dave tells one last "Classic Clinton Joke" from 1998. Also, during Mailbag, the staff falls victim to a gas leak, while a question about Alan's hair is answered by the announcer turning bright red and running around like a loony.

Dave comments on yesterday's Giants-Ravens Super Bowl, then shows footage of MVP Ray Lewis with confetti stuck on his face. Also, Maria Pope introduces Dave to prison guard Debb Eaton, the first contestant eliminated from Survivor: Outback.

Throughout the night, various celebrities (such as Regis and Dave) endorse a "Hacking Cough of the Night." Also, Biff introduces his report from Super Bowl XXXV in Tampa, where he interrogates N'Sync and Steven Tyler of Aerosmith.

Dave demands that Johnny Knoxville from "Jackass" appear on the show; Dave shows a clip of President Bush slapping the first lady in the butt in public; Jeff Probst and a guy pretending to be Leslie Moonves promote Survivor: Outback.

Dave casually mentions that today is the nineteenth anniversary of his first foray into late night, and Nancy Agostini and Mike McIntee walk out and give Paul flowers. Later, Dave chats with Tony Siragusa of the Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens.

During Mailbag, Harold Larkin goes to Jupiter, then looses his pants due to their extreme gravity; Alan Kalter discusses Good Morning America's plan to show a live childbirth on Tuesday, then offers his services for a live conception; Jack Black promotes Saving Silverman.

Dave's desk has been repainted a gaudy light blue; Dave rants about last Saturday's debut of the XFL, demanding that the players huck folding chairs at each other; "non-surviving Survivor" Kel Gleason denies that he brought a secret food stash to the Australian Outback.

Dave mentions that the front of his desk was painted blue the previous weekend, and now we know why: it's a makeshift screen for projecting various pieces of videotape. Amongst the clips: a monkey washing a cat, a kaliedoscope, footage of the sinking of the Titanic, and a clip from Jennifer Lopez's new film The Wedding Planner.

In conjunction with a certain upstart football league, Dave announces that the show will change its name to "XLS- the Extreme Late Show," effective immediately. Also, Dave makes a long distance call to Melbourne, Australia just so he can hear somebody say "G'day."

Biff reports from Bloomfield, Connecticut; an audience member plays Chopin on Paul's piano; history repeats itself as Dave announces that New York State Police Trooper William McClellan got him last night for going 80 in a 55 zone.

For the last month or so, a little old man walks onstage during the monologue, stands next to Dave, and walks away. Tonight, there's a twist: the old guy walks out, and followed soon after by an annoyed-looking Calvert. Both walk off stage without incident. Also, during Mailbag, "Police Chief" Bill DeLace gives dating tips, while "Bill Clinton" (Gerard) steals one of the guest chairs.