Seasons & episodes

Dave comments on yesterday's Giants-Ravens Super Bowl, then shows footage of MVP Ray Lewis with confetti stuck on his face. Also, Maria Pope introduces Dave to prison guard Debb Eaton, the first contestant eliminated from Survivor: Outback.

Throughout the night, various celebrities (such as Regis and Dave) endorse a "Hacking Cough of the Night." Also, Biff introduces his report from Super Bowl XXXV in Tampa, where he interrogates N'Sync and Steven Tyler of Aerosmith.

Dave demands that Johnny Knoxville from "Jackass" appear on the show; Dave shows a clip of President Bush slapping the first lady in the butt in public; Jeff Probst and a guy pretending to be Leslie Moonves promote Survivor: Outback.

Dave casually mentions that today is the nineteenth anniversary of his first foray into late night, and Nancy Agostini and Mike McIntee walk out and give Paul flowers. Later, Dave chats with Tony Siragusa of the Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens.

During Mailbag, Harold Larkin goes to Jupiter, then looses his pants due to their extreme gravity; Alan Kalter discusses Good Morning America's plan to show a live childbirth on Tuesday, then offers his services for a live conception; Jack Black promotes Saving Silverman.

Dave's desk has been repainted a gaudy light blue; Dave rants about last Saturday's debut of the XFL, demanding that the players huck folding chairs at each other; "non-surviving Survivor" Kel Gleason denies that he brought a secret food stash to the Australian Outback.

Dave mentions that the front of his desk was painted blue the previous weekend, and now we know why: it's a makeshift screen for projecting various pieces of videotape. Amongst the clips: a monkey washing a cat, a kaliedoscope, footage of the sinking of the Titanic, and a clip from Jennifer Lopez's new film The Wedding Planner.

In conjunction with a certain upstart football league, Dave announces that the show will change its name to "XLS- the Extreme Late Show," effective immediately. Also, Dave makes a long distance call to Melbourne, Australia just so he can hear somebody say "G'day."

Biff reports from Bloomfield, Connecticut; an audience member plays Chopin on Paul's piano; history repeats itself as Dave announces that New York State Police Trooper William McClellan got him last night for going 80 in a 55 zone.

For the last month or so, a little old man walks onstage during the monologue, stands next to Dave, and walks away. Tonight, there's a twist: the old guy walks out, and followed soon after by an annoyed-looking Calvert. Both walk off stage without incident. Also, during Mailbag, "Police Chief" Bill DeLace gives dating tips, while "Bill Clinton" (Gerard) steals one of the guest chairs.

Dave engages in a lengthy discussion about stomach flu, then calls Art Kelly upstairs to inquire about staff members with the virus. Shortly afterwards, Art hands the phone to Stephanie "Monty" Birkitt, and Dave asks her if controversial Clinton pal Denise Rich has answered his calls.

It's milestone in the long and celebrated history of "Stupid Pet Tricks" as Regis the duck eats cottage cheese out of owner Rebecca Kraft's mouth. The sight of the stunt is so repulsive that Dave shows the clip repeatedly for several weeks to come.

Dave shows a Valentine's Day bouquet he claims came from Jackass star Johnny Knoxville; Dave comments on last night's grotesque Stupid Pet Trick, then shows the clip of the "rabid dingo" biting him in June 2000; Dave offers an office and a plump, young intern to President Clinton.

Dave announces that last night's show has been pardoned by ex-President Clinton; daredevil Steve Direnzo jumps off the roof of the theater, then comes in to take a bow; "Biff Henderson's America" takes a pit stop in Franklin, Idaho.

A segment called "Dave's Henchmen Force a Price Waterhouse Executive to Reveal the Best-Picture Winner" pretty much explains itself; during Mailbag, a spoof of the upcoming film "Hannibal" reveals that Paul's brain is made out of guacamole; "George Clarke's Celebrity Interview" finds our hero shirtless, much to the annoyance of guest Kelsey Grammer.

Dave goes on one of his all-time greatest rants, this time protesting the inhumane conditions on Survivor: Outback, then chastises Tony for supposedly picking his nose with a cue-card. Also, the latest eliminated contestant on the aforementioned reality show, seven-foot-tall musician Mitchell Olsen, suddenly starts singing "I Will Survive."

Alan Kalter interrupts Dave with a few seductive words for Jennifer Lopez on the occasion of her break-up with Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs. Shortly afterwards, he starts singing some sort of ballad, when suddenly "Big Red" is shot several times. Dave, looking rather deadpan through all of this, recommends Bacitracin® ointment for Alan's multiple gunshot wounds.

Throughout the night, Don Hewitt (aka the Man on Fire) is body-checked by several New York Rangers; during Mailbag, an audience woman names her dog in honor of Dave ("Come along, ***hole"); Nelly Furtado performs "I'm Like A Bird."

George Clarke interrogates celebrites at last night's Grammys; ten grade-schoolers from Bowie, Maryland present the Top Ten; live via telephone, Dr. Henry Kissinger says the name of an audience member; Shaggy performs "It Wasn't Me."

Sam Moore (of Sam & Dave) and Billy Preston sit in; Kansas State University high jumper Nathen Leeper can't demonstrate his talents on 53rd Street because of a snowstorm; during Mailbag, Alan smears macaroni & cheese into his hair, while "police chief" Bill DeLace threatens the audience; Nathan throws a dummy over the high jump bar.

Dave shows off his brand new desk, then complains that he has nothing worth asking to "Survivor: Outback" loser Kimmi Kappenberg; Les Moonves and "Fidel Castro" (Tony) go out for lunch.

Dave shows the woman/duck and "rabid dingo" clips yet again; Dave discusses the new theory that a meteorite may prove life on Mars, prompting Alan Kalter to go berserk with conspiracy theories; Emmylou Harris, Gillian Welch, Alison Krauss and Dan Timinski and the Soggy Bottom Boys perform a medley of songs from the film O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Dave announces that after a recent awkward experience, he will no longer attend network meetings of any kind; Les Moonves and Fidel/Inky continue eating lunch; Dave shows footage of President Bush correctly pronouncing "contingencies."

Dave sheds more light on his rant from the previous night, asking Paul if an network exec has ever said to him, "Do you have a problem with me?" Also, Martin Short performs a musical number about the recent one-year anniversary of Dave's return to television, complete with dancing nurses.